^{The Norbury}Chronicle

 e-newsletter of the Holmesian Studies SIG of American Mensa

since ’88, Baker Street Irregulars scion since ‘95

 "Nothing is concealed that will not be revealed." (Mark 4:22)

Issue XLV                                                                                                  Spring ‘15

Which InspectorLestrade?

W e have also been investigating Lestrade genealogy. It has been rather confusing trying to keep straight which Inspector Lestrade is being referred to when no first name is given. From the names and dates from several sources we have attempted to put together, with as much accuracy as possible, who lived when and their relationships through seven generations. (1) The patriarchal Lestrade seems to have had two sons with (2a) the older one as usual staying in the English homeland, while the younger son, (2b) Jack , emigated to America, settling in Oregon and marrying Marta. (Ernest Haycock and Ernest Pascal) The other son himself had four sons, all who served at Scotland Yard: (3a) Inspector Gerard (Bernard J. Schaffer), (3b) Inspector Jules with wife Juliette and daughter Carrie (Hilary Bailey), (3c) Inspector Sholto, whose son Chief Inspector Gordon (J. Brooks Van Dyke) married Fanny, the daughter of Sholto's friend Harry Bandicoot and his wife Letitia, sister of twins Rupert and Ivo, who had a daughter Emma who was engaged to a Mr. Hood (M. J. Trow) and (3d) Deputy Chief Inspector Jackson (Rob Rogers), who had a son (4a) Inspector George (Anthony Horowitz) with wife Agnes (Barry Grant) and two grandsons: (5a) Chief Inspector John with wife Maud and a daughter (Mary Russell) and (5b) Inspector Jasper (John A. Little), who being the one of these two Lestrade brothers without a daughter may very well be the one to have had a son, perhaps (6) Jasper, Jr., ancestor of (7) Inspector Beth (Phil Harnage).

More Pun-chlines

"Parlez-Vous Francais?" by Max Ehrlich: "Elle est 'Linoleum blown apart!'"

"Plastic Fish" by Robert C. Burr: "[They're] the first people to use credit cods."

"Poor Lestrade" by Robert C. Burr: "The Adventure of the Copper's Breeches"

"Poor Miss Kitty" by Robert C. Burr: "You may lead a horticulture, but…"

"Pure Hogwash" by David Galerstein: "The pig squealed."

"Rah! Rah! Rah!" by Robert C. Burr: "[That's] a course of a different holler."

"Say Cheese!" by Robert C. Burr: "The spirit was willing but the flash was weak."

"Seek and Ye Shall Find" by William Ballew: "[They] had to search every crook and nanny."

"Ship Ahoy!" by Dr. Neil Taylor: "His barque was worse than his bight."

"Silver Blaze II" by Robert C. Burr: "[Call it] 'The Adventure of the Empty Horse'."

"Simpson's in the Strand" by Phillip K. Jones: "[We're] having a bad hare day."

"Singers? Yes. Fathers? Never!" by Robert C. Burr: "The castrati were cut out for their work."

"Skullduggery" by Rosemary Michaud: [The skull's] a seven percent Aleutian of Cancun."

"Soup's On -- But Not for Long" by Robert C. Burr: ""The soup was tried and found Won Ton."

"Soup's On!" by Robert C. Burr: "There's a soup in my fly."

"Soup's On" II by Robert C. Burr: "It looks to me like he's doing the backstroke."

"Soup's On" III by Robert C. Burr: "Our chef was at one time a tailor's apprentice."

"Speaking of Billy" by David J. Milner: "Promise him anything, but give him our page."

"Spying in the Bristol Channel" by Phillip K. Jones: "[They wanted] the pie rates of Penn's aunts."

"Stick out Your Tongue and Say 'Ah'" by Donald Aitcheson Redmond: "I simply looked at his Tonga."

"Stick with the Prose, Doctor" by Robert Brodie: "Rhyme does not pay."

"Sticks and Scones ..." by Robert C. Burr: "[He's guilty of] killing two bards with one scone."

The Music Hall Menace

W e were called upon by Henry Gordon Jago of The Palace Theatre. He claimed he had a urgent case that require immediate and discrete attention.

"I had the thought of communicating directly with Scotland Yard," he started, "but their buttons are the brightest things about them. Rumors I dare not repeat, and of which the originator seems impossible to trace, are circulating about our headliner, 'The Shropshire Songbird'. I dare say, we were for once more than breaking even before this happened!"

"How much progress did you made in tracing the orginator?" Holmes asked.

"The few regulars who confided in me would just say that they heard innuendos from other theatergoers who were now going elsewhere. They said the same thing, so I was just going around in circles and getting nowhere."

"Perhaps we ought to attack this from the other way round then. Who would be in a position to know the truth of falsity of these rumors?"

"I hadn't looked at it from that angle. That would, I suppose, be either Madam Hu the Snake Charmer or Slim and Tubby, whose dressing rooms adjoin that of the Songbird's. The walls are, I must confess, so thin that the walls of the Palace do indeed have ears."

"If you had to remove the Songbird as headliner, which of these two acts would you choose?"

"I suppose I would have to put Hu on first and Watt the Sword Swallower on second. Generally I put the comics on after the more sensational performers."

"Then that is you answer. Hu's your rumormonger."

"Who?"

"Madam Hu."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked.

"A gossip spread rumor, comedians humor."

The Adventure of the Yerrow Face

H e lifted a small child, she was kissing, then, still carrying her, he retained his other hand out to his wife, facing the door. "We can talk about it more comfortable at home," he said. "I am not very good man, Effie, but I think one person better than giving credit to me because there is you."

[This is an example of Engrish, the sometime entertaining, sometime instructive, rewriting that happens when someone (in this case Google Translate) translates English to Japanese and back again, for example. In the original passage from "The Adventure of the Yellow Face", we had: "He lifted the little child, kissed her, and then, still carrying her, he held his other hand out to his wife and turned towards the door. 'We can talk about it more comfortably at home,' said he. 'I am not a very good man, Effie, but I think I am a better one than you have given me credit for being.'"

Now it sounds like Effie was kissing the child rather than Grant, that he was carrying Effie, without losing his arm and that she was facing the door, quite a different image. The second sentence sounds more like Effie is the one person there is that is better at giving him credit, which might very well have been true.

Trying this technique again we get: "He, she still carrying her, then, has been kissed, lifting a small child, he is in the face to the door, he had retained his other hand to his wife. "We are more comfortable to be able to talk about it at home," he said. "I am very good person, Effie is not, but because I have a you, rather than give credit to me, I think that it is better than one person."

Here Grant kisses Effie and they are already comforable before going home and talking. He claims he is a good person and his wife is not, which also may be true, but he seems to say that he prefers her to having credit and believes that a family of three is better than being alone.]

The Stolen Mona Lisa

from Sherlock Holmes and the Mad Doctor

H olmes and I watched helplessly as Mr. Peabody accidentally destroys the original canvas "Mona Lisa", so Leonardo [1] is forced to paint another, better version, the one with the Mona Lisa smile, on wood. That Sir Vile of the Viper gang stole the painting we already knew, but the robot Bender Rodríguez from 3007 also stole it. [2] Leonardo was then forced by Capt. Tancredi, actually a timeclone of Scaroth the Last Jagaroth from 40,000,000 B. C., to paint six copies. They are however secretly identified from the original as such by the Doctor, of which only one of the copies survives the fire in 1979. [3]

R odenthrope Geronimo Stilton from 2010 searches for it as "Stiltoneaux" in 1517, but finds it wasn't stolen after all. [4] In 1894 Moriarty has a copy made, but is foiled in making the switch. [5] Peter Vernet paints another copy when the original is stolen in 1911, but Ryder is poisoned. [6]

O n the Titanic in 1912 we watched helplessly again as Prof. Van Dusen [7] remained behind so others might be saved. Arsène Lupin [8], Lecoq [9], C. Auguste Dupin [10], Luther Trant, [11] Holmes's cousin A. J. Raffles [12] and Holmes himself, find many copies throughout the ship, [13] including six by Yves Chaudron. [14] Phineas Bogg and Jeffrey from 1982 save both original and Olivia Dunn. [15]

B enjamin Smyth, [16] Irene, Holly Storm-Fleming, blackmailed Elisabeth Von Stern, and Col. Moriarty escape, but Ed Strickley is garrotted [17] and Van Dusen's chronicler Jacques Futrelle died saving Holmes's life. [18] Simon Morley from 1970 survives, but not Archibald "Agent Z" Butt, who would have prevented World War I. [19]

E ven after five tries Holmes and I could not prevent the ship sinking, [20] though we did prevent the angel Balthazar from preventing it. [21] When we hadn't it did not lead to the stock market crash in 1929 [22] or Astor surviving to finance Tesla, so that Tesla invents the laser deathray, [23] Tesla and Edison share the Nobel prize in physics in 1915 and the sinking of the Lusitania is prevented. [24] Tesla lights NYC in 1916. In 1920 veep Cox dies in crash of Airship One witnessed by Titianic. In 1921 Tesla Broadcasting Corp. is founded. By 1935 Tesla Dynamics invents the chronoscope. In 1945 they hire ex-convict Alan Turing. [25] Having timetravel Tesla recruits Richard I in 1192, Natalie Walker in 2012, and Redjac-possessed Robbie Mueller in 2014. [26] The Chrononauts find and destroy futuretech at Chernoble in 1986. [27]

I f there had been no first world war there could not be any other world wars [28] until the First-and-Last World War, which would have come much sooner than it should have, with the thousandth generation of the Covenant with Abraham, [29] implying much shorter, unnatural generations as with manimals [30] or underpeople. [31] We would not have had to thwarted evil and saved lives in all six world wars as the legendary British operatives "Altamont" and "Nimrod".

A ll the other timetravellers escaped the Titanic, Randall, Fidget, Strutter, Og, Wally, Vermin, Kevin, [32] Jack, Annie, [33], Tony Newman and Doug Phillips. [34] 1114-yr-old Amanda Darieux sank with the ship, but being a vampire could not die. [35]

W hen Leonardo timetraveled with Exigius-12½ to 1966, the "Mona Lisa" seemed to be accidentally destroyed by the Martian's adopted nephew Tim O'Hara, a cousin of the Banner boys. It is however replaced by the Martian's exact copy. [36] That however is the one destroyed in the fire in 1978, the original having been rescued again by Phineas Bogg and Jeffrey as they did in 1911 and returned by one of Bender's timeclones.

H e timetravelled again with the Doctor to both 2 BC and 1961 [37] and is visited by Jason and Gareth from 1968 [38], 9-Eyes the robot from 1992 [39], Amelia the robot from 1996 [40], Providence Traveler from 2003 [41], the Time Warp Trio, Joe, Sam and Jack from 2004 [41] and Mario Ravelli from 2523 [42], and soon improves upon them to build a hand-held space-timemachine, the first omni. [43] He had not only shaped history, but also re-shaped it and left his mark on it. [44]

W ith it he recovered the second canvas "Mona Lisa" in 1533 which had been stolen by gypsies after Mr. Peabody had destroyed the original and in the process reunited Danielle and Prince Henry. [45]

[1]"Mr. Peabody and Sherman" by Craig Wright

[2] Futurama: "Bender's Big Score" by Ken Keeler

[3] "City of Death" by David Agnew

[4] Who Stole the Mona Lisa? by Geronimo Stilton and Demetrio Bargellini

[5] The Revenge of Moriarty by John Gardner

[6] The Strange Doings of J. Leslie Ryder by Daniel Gracely

[7] Prof. Augustus St. Francis Xavier Van Dusen, "The Thinking Machine" (The Chase of the Golden Plate, etc. by Jacques Futrelle)

[8] "L'Arrestation d'Arsène Lupin", etc. by Maurice Leblanc

[9] ornithrope Jacques "The Rooster" Clouseau, grandson of Tabaret, "Père Tireauclair" (L’Affaire Lerouge, etc. by Émile Gaboriau), ancestor of "miserable bunglers": Jacques Clouseau, and his son by Maria Gambrelli, Jacques ("The Son of the Pink Panther" by Blake Edwards and Madeline and Steven Sunshine), Inspector Gadget through Chimeney and Charlotte Clouseau "Char" Gadget fka Gâchette and Maxwell Smart through secret agents Alec and Diane Clouseau Smart.

[10] "Murders in the Rue Morgue" by Edgar Allen Poe

[11] The Achievements of Luther Trant by Edwin Balmer and William B. MacHarg

[12] "The Ides of March" by E. W. Hornung

[13] fasciously called by Hutchinson Hatch "the Society of Infallible Detectives" ("The Adventure of the Mona Lisa" by Carolyn Wells)

[14] The Lost Mona Lisa by R. A. Scotti

[15] "Voyagers on the Titanic" by Jill Sherman and James D. Parriott

[16] wereduck Benjamin Smyth "Scrooge" McDuck, a descendant of Petronius "Duckman" Paperonius, cursed with ornithropy by the witch of Vesuvius, founder of the MacDuich clan, fka Pah-Peh-Rheo, uncle of Cleopatra. ("Petronius Paperonius and the Invasion of the Barbarians" by Alberto Savini, "Daisy Duck and Papyrus of the Pah-Peh-Rheo" and "Petronius Paperonius and the Gold of Pippus Augustus" by Guido Martina)

[17] Sherlock Holmes and the Titanic Tragedy by William Seil

[18] "The Adventure of the Dying Ship" by Edward D. Hoch

[19] From Time to Time by Jack Finney

[20] "Two Roads, No Choices" by Dean Wesley Smith

[21] Supernatural: "My Heart Will Go On" by Eric Charmelo and Nicole Snyder

[22] Chrononauts by Andrew Looney

[23] "The Resonance of Light" by Geoffrey Landis

[24] "100 Years: The World Changes!!!"

http://www.alternatehistory.com/discussion/showthread.php?t=155066

[25] "Way of the Wicked" by Matthew Robert Kelly

[26] The Chrononauts: "Milk Run" by Adrew Fudge

[27] Exodus 20:6, Psalm 105:8, Isaiah 65:20

[28] WW I ("His Last Bow"), WW II ((Robert E. "Papa Bear") Hogan's Heroes: "The Missing Klink" by Bill Davenport, Pepper Flynt “Little Boy” Busbee), 21st Century WW III ("WW 3" by Toplitz), 24th Century WW VI ("Frostfire" by Marc Platt), 49th Century WW V ("Singularity" by James Swallow), WW VI in 5000 ("The Talons of Wang Chiang" by Robert Holmes)

[29] The Island of Dr. Moreau by H. G. Wells

[30] The Underpeople by Cordwainer Smith

[31] "The Time Bandits" by Michel Palin and Terry Gilliam

[32] Tonight on the Titanic by Mary Pope Osborn

[33] "Rendezvous with Yesterday" by Harold Jack Bloom and Shimon Wincelberg

[34] The Highlander: Raven: "The Devil You Know" by Durnford King

[35] "Martin Meets His Match" by Gene Thompson and Bill Kelsay

[36] "The Innocents" by Marc Platt

[37] Time Cat by Lloyd Alexander

[38] Tomorrowland's Visionanium

[39] JumpStart Adventures 3rd Grade: Mystery Mt.

[40] "Uh-oh, Leonardo" by Robert Sabuda

[41] DaWild, DaCrazy, DaVinci by Jon Scieszka

[42] Lady with an Alien by Mike Resnick

[43] http://www.voyagersguidebook.net/theomni.htm

[44] Originally the mark that a timeline had been restored by any of their fellow chrononauts who became known as Voyagers, was a simple Omega, Ω, for the greek “Ωλα έτοιμα” (“All finished."). Over the millennia it elaborated into the Chad ideogram and became linked with the ubiquitous Voyager George Kilroy from the 30th Century. ("The Message" by Isaac Asimov) The motto on the Omnis, "Time waits for NoMan.", is a reference to the voyage of Ulysses aka NoMan (Odyssey by Homer) or Capt. Ulysses of the starship Odyssey from the 31st (“Ulysses 31”).

[45] "Ever After: A Cinderella Story" by Susannah Grant, Andy Tennant and Rick Parks