Fizzbin: A Game that Requires Intelligence

"On Beta Antares IV, they play a real game. It's a man's game, but a little beyond you. It requires intelligence." (Capt. James T. Kirk)

The game of Fizzbin is said to have originated in the Beta Antares system (the codename for a secret Federation starship yard, probably nowhere near Antares, aka alpha Scrpionis) as a means of redistributing animal skins in the community. Painted skin scrap representations eventually replaced the valuable skins themselves. It is said to have gotten its name from St. Fizzbin who extended his life by beating Death at the game. (In the plural fizzbins are the colloquial term for the container for recycled carbonated beverage containers with which fizzbin and other card games have traditionally been associated.)

Before the Twenty-fourth Century A. D. fizzbin had been popularized by the ingenious Oithlings of sigma Iotia II, who adopted the game to the not too different standard Federation card deck. by the simple substitution of rank insignias for classes and subranks for ranks. The Antarean rank insignias were brands used to rank the quality of a particular skin by analogy to the ranking system used in Antarean society. based on their varying numbers of curved lines, points and stem-like projections. The highest ranking would be a four-bob queen mother (ace of spades), then the three-bob queen mothers (ace of clubs), two-bob queen mothers (ace of hearts), one-bob queen mother (ace of diamonds), and so on.

14. majel (queen mother), (arrowheads: no curved lines, three points, a stem, high ace)

13. kodos (leaves: two curved lines, one point, a stem) = king (not used when dark)

12. dohlman (fruits: one curved line, no points, a stem) = queen (only used when dark)

11. molson (prince/over-princess), (nuts: three curved lines, no points, a stem)

10. lenore (princess), circles: one curved line, no points, no stem)

9. giotto (commander, drops: one curved line, one point, no stem)

8. stupihorta (duke, claws: one curved line, two points, no stem)

7. galileo, (count, paws: one curved line, three points, no stem)

6. stupischmitter (viscount, flowers: one curved line, three points, a stem)

5. appel (cheif, trees: three curved lines, no point, a stem)

4.horta (baron: lips: two curved lines, two points, no stem, only used when dark)

3. schmitter (baronet, no curved lines, two points, a stem)

2. zetar (captain, triangles: no curved lines, three points, no stems, deuce, not used when dark)

1. hudec (vice-captain, tetrangles: no curved lines, four points, no stems, low ace)

0. koik (blank: no curved lines, no points, no stems, joker, if any)

The upper five rankings are royalty, the hudec is the lowest rank, the koik (joker) is usually of no rank and the rest are of intermediate rank. Within each rank there are (at least) four classes: for example, the first-class or one-arrow majel (ace of diamonds), the second-class or two-arrow majel (ace of hearts), the third-class or three-arrow majel . (ace of clubs) and fourth-class or four-arrow majel (ace of spades). That some of the Antarean insignia and rankings (leaves, trees, lips, rhomboids, and royal quarter-fizzbins) parallel the ranks and classes of the standard Federation ones (spades, clubs, hearts, diamonds, kings and queens) is yet another confirmation of Hodgkins' Law of Parallel Planet Development.

Fiddly rules (or fiddlies) such as the fifth day (Thursday) rule above come in four varieties: flavorful, spicy, bandaid and lumpy fiddlies.

Flavorful fiddlies fix design flaws or give character to a game simply and appealingly, like the pawn attack rule in chess.

Spicy ones do so also, but not quite so simply or appealingly, like castling. A bandaid is just that a hasty and often unsatisfactory patch on a problem that only pretends to fix the problem with any flavor or spice.

Lumpy fiddlies, which fizzbin's predominately are, are rules added without any such pretence, when complexity is considered more elegant (or at least more favorable to the landru (dealer).)

The primary operating principle of fiddling might at first glance seem to be exactly the same as that in the Ferengi games of hiwtul ("Heads I win, tails you lose.") and tulhiw ("Tails you lose, heads I win."), but they are actually based on Antarean oral history.

One of these fiddlies is, for example, that on the fifth day of the week (Thursday) when the ranking becomes shuffled with all formerly even ranks outranking all formerly odd ones and with the evens and odds the lesser outranking the greater and koiks (jokers) outranking everything, presumably commemorating the chaotic period known as the Antarean fifth world war. For example, majel second-class (ace of hearts) outranks majel fourth-class (ace of spades) outranks majel first-class (ace of diamonds) outranks majel third-class . (ace of clubs).

Each of two to eight fizzbers (fizzbin-players, those who are fizzbinin') gets six skins (or cards) from a standard community pile (deck) dealt by the landru (dealer) except the archon (fizzber (player) to the left of the landru (dealer), "lefty") who gets a seventh card and whose second card is revealed. Any fizzber (player) who draws a quarter-fizzbin can redeem it for an extra card by revealing it, if it is not already revealed, return it into the community pile (deck) and take two new skins (cards) from the community pile (deck). Each fizzber's (player's) last skin (card) is also dealt painted-side-up (face-up).

The standard rankings also change on the third and tenth days of the week (Tuesday) when an alternative community pile (Pinochle deck, or with six-rank-promoted classes three through eight and the second class (deuce) like the thirteenth (king) wild when not dark) is used.

or 14.majel (queen mother), (arrowheads: no curved lines, three points, a stem) = ace, deuce (when not dark) or 8

or 13. kodos (leaves: two curved lines, one point, a stem) = king, 7 or deuce (not used when dark)

or 12. dohlman (fruits: one curved line, no points, a stem) = queen or 6 (only used when dark)

or 11. molson (prince/over-princess), (nuts: three curved lines, no points, a stem) = jack or 5 or deuce (when not dark)

or 10. lenore (princess), (circles: one curved line, no points, no stem) = 10, or 4 (when not dark)

or 9. giotto (commander, drops: one curved line, one point, no stem) = 9, trey or deuce (when not dark)

0. koik (blank: no curved lines, no points, no stems) = joker (if any)

The simplest variety of the game by which a newber (newby fizzber) learns the intricacies of the game under the instruction of a tamoon (child-novice master), combines:

the third or tenth day's community pile (Tuesdays' deck) with

not dark first, second or seventh days' (Sundays', Mondays', or Saturdays') rules

with the sixth days' (Fridays') disqualification of kesla (disqualifications)

then a lars (female-novice master) or shanna (male-novice master) and finally a galt (master novice master). It is therefore not nearly as fiddly as the games of Mao or Eleusis in which the dealer alone determines secret rules.

Play moves leftward from the landru (dealer) (or rightward, if played on the floor rather than on a table). The order of play is :

1: playing held skin painted-side-down (face-down card) on own or kloog's (opponent's) pile,

2: taking top skin (card) off community pile (deck) (optional playing of that skin (card) on any kloog's (opponent's) pile),

3. taking painted-side-up skin (face-up card) from kloog's (opponent's) pile,

4. placing of skin (card) on own or kloog's (opponent's) pile

After all fizzbers (players), including the landru (dealer), have played, all skins (cards) are shown and evaluated.

5.) all shronks and other non-scoring skin (card) combinations are removed,

6.) six (or seven) hand-held skins (cards) are evaluated,

7.) combined held and played skins (cards) are evaluated,

Some skin (card) combinations score only with the six or seven skins (or cards) in hand when all skins (or cards) have been taken from the community pile (deck) and the fizzber (player) has not been disqualified.

royal fizzbin: royal stink with a tepo, that is, a skin of a different class (three pairs ten or higher without a king with card of different class), disqualified by srelk or stupistonk or non-royal (three-of-a-kind or four-flush or any card less than ten), except on the sixth day (Fridays) (AAKKJJ10), (AAKKJ1010), (AAKJJ1010) and (AKKJJ1010) , or when dark (AAQQJJ10), (AAQQJ1010), (AAQJJ1010) or (AQQJJ1010) with six combinations of the gutamo ranks (pair classes). So for two players the odds are: 44!/(37!)4(3!)3 - 1:1 = 223,536,646:1, for two 447,073,291:1, for three 670,609,937:1, for four 894,146,583:1, for five 1,117,683,229:1, for six 1,341,219,875:1, for seven 1,564,756,521:1 for eight.

full fizzbin: [Legion West] quarter fizzbin and half-full fizzbin, second and thirteenth classes and seven, eleventh or fourteenth-rank gumato (king and deuce and sevens, jacks or aces), disqualified by srelk (three-of-a-kind), third or tenth days (Tuesdays)

fizzbin: stupigumato and half-stonk (two pair and two-flush) disqualified by stink or four-stonk (three pair or four-flush)

three-quarter fizzbin: one or two in third, fifth, sixth, eighth, ninth, tenth classes (red trey, five, six, eight, nine, ten) disqualified by tepo, and on third and tenth days (Tuesdays)

half-full fizzbin: [Legion West] seven, eleventh or fourteenth-rank gumato (sevens, jacks or aces), disqualified by srelk (three-of-a-kind), third or tenth days (Tuesdays)

quarter-fizzbin: second or thirteenth class (deuce or king, if not dark, queen or four if dark) disqualified on third or tenth days (Tuesdays)

quarter-full fizzbin: [Legion West]:three or four in third, fifth, sixth, eighth, ninth, tenth classes (black trey, five, six, eight, nine, ten) disqualified by one, two, first, second, fourth, seventh, eleventh, twelfth, thirteenth or fourteenth classes (black, deuce, four, seven, jack, queen, king or ace), except on the sixth day (Fridays) disqualified on third and tenth days (Tuesdays)

All other skin (card) combinations may be made with all the skins (or cards) in the fizzber 's (player's) hand plus those in the fizzber 's (player's) own pile. On the first, second, fourth, fifth, eighth and ninth days of the week (Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays) however, the drella (disqualifying shronks, etc.) are disqualified. On the sixth day of the week (Fridays), the kesla (disqualified shronks, etc.) are disqualified. If there is any confusion as to what day (or time of day it is, as during bele (dawn twilight), lokai (dusk twilight) or the Red Hour (midnight, solar or clock), or how any rule applies, the landru (dealer) acts as jarvis (judge) in determining the official calendar, sunrise and sunset times, degree of visibility, age of the moon, duration and location of eclipses and so the official rules and also the tula (defendant) and the bilar (prosecutor), except on the fourth day of the week (Wednesday) when the marphon (majority) acts as jarvis. If there is no marphon, the reger (plurality) acts as the jarvis. In the case of a tie, the jarvis is the tamar (that fizzber (player) able to persuade the most other fizzbers (players) that it is not the fourth day of the week (Wednesday), or that the game should be postponed until the next non-fourth day of the week (non-Wednesday), whichever comes first). In the original and the Klingon versions of the game the position of landru (dealership) is alternatively determined by single combat, while in the Ferengi version it is pilfered. bought or bamboozled.)

For two fizzbers (players) (couple's fissbin) and a community pile of fifty-seven skins (fifty-three-card deck) that's a maximum of twenty-nine playable skins (twenty-seven cards) or twenty-five (skins or cards) on the third day of the week (Tuesdays).

For three fizzbers (players) it's twenty or seventeen skins (eighteen or seventeen cards),

for four fizzbers (players) fifteen or thirteen skins (fourteen or thirteen cards),

for five twelve or eleven skins (eleven cards),

for six fizzbers (players) ten or nine skins (nine cards), and

for seven fizzbers (players) nine or eight skins (eight cards).

for eight fizzbers (players) eight or seven skins (seven cards).

For each additional eight fizzbers (players) another community pile (deck) is added, giving:

for nine fizzbers (players) thirteen or twelve skins (twelve cards)

for ten fizzbers (players) twelve or eleven skins (eleven cards)

for eleven fizzbers (players) eleven or ten skins (eleven cards)

for twelve fizzbers (players) ten or nine skins (nine cards)

for thirteen fizzbers (players) nine skins (nine or eight cards)

for fourteen fizzbers (players) nine or eight skins (eight cards)

for fifteen fizzbers (players) eight skins (eight or seven cards)

for sixteen fizzbers (players) eight or seven in skins (seven cards)

With seventeen fizzbers (players) and a triple community pile (deck) the maximum's back up to eleven or nine skins (ten or nine cards) per fizzber (player), but the game begins to get complicated.

stupifest: [Bela III] eleventh, twelfth or thirteenth, fourteenth classes shrunk (jack, queen/king, ace eight-of-a-kinds), not disqualified on sixth day (Fridays)

stupishrunk: sixteen in the same class (sixteen-of-a-kind), disqualified except on sixth day (Fridays)

festival: [Bela III] eleventh, twelfth or thirteenth, fourteenth classes slunk (jack, queen/king, ace four-of-a-kinds), not disqualified on sixth day (Fridays)

stupistunk: twelve or sixteen of the same class (twelve- or sixteen-of-a-kind), not disqualified on sixth day (Fridays)

shrunk: eight of the same class (eight-of-a-kind), disqualified except on sixth day (Fridays)

stupisprak: twelfth rank and kronk slunks (eight queens), disqualified except on sixth day (Fridays)

stunk: six of the same class (six-of-a-kind), disqualified except on sixth day (Fridays)

scpipt: four-kronk five of the same class (five-flush with four wild cards)

sprak: twelfth-rank slunk (four queens) disqualifies for royal fizzbin except on sixth day (Fridays) or when not dark

slunk: four of the same class (four-of-a-kind) disqualifies for royal fizzbin except on sixth day (Fridays)

stupishronk: sralk and slunk (three- and four-of-a-kind), not disqualified on sixth day (Fridays)

shronk: sralk or slunk (three- or four-of-a-kind), not disqualified on sixth day (Fridays)

sronk: sralk and stonk, three of the rank and three of the same class (three-of-a-kind and three-flush), not disqualified on sixth day (Fridays)

krako: [Jojo Krako] eleventh class slunk (four jacks) (disqualifies kloog (opponent) of fizzber 's (player's) choice unless disqualified by two sevens) (disqualifies kloog (opponent) of fizzber 's (player's) choice unless disqualified by an oxmyx)

sralk: three of same class (three-of-a-kind) disqualified except on sixth day (Fridays)

half-kalo, (cirl and): eleventh class sralk (three jacks)

stupishrink: aka octuple gumato (eight pairs)

stupistink: aka sextuple gutamo (six pairs)

shrink: aka quadruple gumato (four pairs)

half-festival: [Bela III] eleventh, twelfth or thirteenth, fourteenth rank gumato (aces, kings, or queens if dark, jacks)

royal stink: stink higher than ninth rank (three pair ten or higher)

stink: three gumato (three pairs)

royal slink: slink higher than nineth rank (two pair ten or higher)

slink: two gumato (two pair)

half-sprak: second- and third-class twelfth rank, first-class third rank and fourth-class ninth rank (queens of hearts and clubs, trey of diamonds and nine of spades)

royal dink: royal gumato and shronk (tens or higher and four-flush)

dink: gumato and shronk (pair and four-flush)

stupimajel: fourteenth-rank gumato (aces high), disqualifying on sixth day of week (Fridays)

stupikodos: thirteenth-rank gumato (kings), disqualifying on sixth day of week (Fridays), disqualified when dark

stupidohlmen: twelfth-rank gumato (queens), disqualifying on sixth day of week (Fridays), disqualified when not dark

kalo: aka second half-krako, eleventh-rank gumato, not disqualified by cirl (two jacks)

cirl: aka first half-krako, eleventh-rank gumato, not disqualified by kalo (two jacks)

royal gumato: gumato higher than ninth rank (tens or higher)

stupilenore: lenore gumato (tens), disqualifying on sixth day of week (Fridays)

gumato: two of the same class, including cijo, kalo, half-koik and stupispocko (pair)

corbomite: [First Federation] none of the above

quarter-festival: [Bela III] eleventh, twelfth or thirteenth, fourteenth classes (jack, queen/king, ace)

stupikaridian: kodos and lenore (king and ten),

karidian: kodos or lenore (king or ten)

half-sralk: tenth, eleventh, twelveth or thirteenth ranks of different classes (ten, jack, king (or queen if when dark) non-flushes)

stupishronk: eight of the same class (eight-flush)

stupistonk: six of the same class (six-flush)

royal stupispawnk: stupispawk above nineth rank (tens or higher four-flush)

stupispawnk: second-class shronk (spade four-flush)

royal shronk: four ranks above nineth of the same class (ten or higher four-flush)

shronk: four of the same class (four-flush)

quarter-koik: stonk and koik (three-flush and joker)

quarter-kronk: stonk and kronk (three-flush and wild card)

half-koik: slonk and stupikoik (half-joker four-flush)

half-kronk: slonk and stupikronk (half-wild four-flush)

three-quarter-koik: shronk with stupikopik and koik (four-flush with three jokers)

three-quarter-kronk: shronk with stupikronk and kronk (four-flush with three wild cards)

royal stonk: three ranks above nine of the same class (ten or higher three-flush)

stonk: three of the same class (three-flush)

royal slonk: two ranks above nine of the same class (ten or above two-flush)

spawnk: second-class slonk (spade two-flush)

slonk: two of the same class (two-flush)

half-slonk: two of the same parity (two of the same color)

third-sprak: second- and third-class twelfth rank, first-class second rank and fourth-class sixth rank (queen of hearts,and clubs, deuce of diamonds, six of spades)

royal stupizethrac: tenth and fourteenth rank (ten and ace high)

royal zethrac: tenth or fourteenth rank (ten or ace high)

zethrac: no eleventh, twelfth or thirteenth class (no jack, queen or king), disqualifies for a royal fizzbin, even on third or tenth day (Tuesday)

A wild animal skin (card), such as any designated by the landru (dealer), is called a kronk (wild card) and can, at the cost of 49 points to the dealer, be substituted for any other skin (card) needed to form the positive-scoring or kloog (opponent) disqualifying combinations. Among multikronk skin combinations (card combinations with multiple wild cards) those with the higher ranking kronk(s) (wild card(s)) beat those with lowwer ranking kronks (wild cards).

thirteenth class (king) when dark,

twelfth class (queen) when not dark

any class (rank) between the ninth and fifth class on the third or tenth day of the week (Tuesday),

fourth class (four) when not dark or on the third or tenth day of the week (Tuesday),

third class on the third or tenth day of the week (Tuesday),

second class (deuce) when dark or on the third or tenth day of the week (Tuesday),

first class (low ace) on the third or tenth day of the week (Tuesday),

the seventh (tebo) hand-held skin (card) on the fifth day of the week (Thursday),

an unpainted koik (joker) anytime

Any skin (card) combination not a kronk (wild card) is called a spocko (non-wild card). Two koiks would be a stupikoik (pair of jokers), two kronks a stupikronk (pair of wild cards) which with one other skin (card) make a sralk (three-of-a-kind) and two spockos a stupispocko (natural pair).

(Some versions of fizzbin include exceptions to the exceptions for days and nights up to the thirty-fifth day of the month (Fifth Saturday), but we will consider anything beyond the tenth night mere fibblies' fibblies (stupifibblies.)

The round ends when one fizzber's skins (cards) outrank all kloogs' (or in the case of a tie the fizzbin who wins rock-paper-scissors) and takes all the m'ress' (kitty's) quatloos (tokens) (except on Sunday, when there is no betting) and announces "Outta (here)!, unless countered with the traditional overtime challenge, "Two outta (three)!", which redefines the winner as one to win the next round of play (or in general z outta (2z+1)), similar to the hyperball rule, "Everyone deserves a second chance." No one however is known to have broken, or is likely ever to break, the record of stupigalt (master Fizzbin-player's master) St. Fizzbin.

References:

All about Fizzbin by the Julian Jaynes Society

"A Piece of the Action" by David P. Harmon and Gene L. Coon

"Conscience of the King" by Barry Trivers

"Devil in the Dark" by Gene L. Coon

"Elaan of Troyius" by John Meredith Lucas

"Fizzbin for Dummies: A Complex Game Made Easy" by Joe F.

Fizzbin for Fun and Profit by Floobydust

Fizzbin: History and Rules by Martin Jokl

"High Stakes" by Joe Kohn

"Kronk Beats Sralk!" by Lee Carter

"Let That Be Your Last Battlefield" by Oliver Crawford

"Never Bet on Sunday" [Galaxy Quest Episode Guide]

"Return of the Archons" by Gene Roddenberry and Boris Sobelman

"The Corbomite Maneuver" by Jerry Sohl

the Fizzbin-players Local 141 and Legion West Version rulebooks

"The Gamesters of Triskelion" by Margaret Armen

"The Lights of Zetar" by Jeremy Tarcher and Shari Lewis

"The Name of the Game is ... Fizzbin" by Tim Cavanaugh

The Rules of Fizzbin: The Most Complex Game You'll Ever Play by Dave Iverson, etal.

The (Un)Official Fizzbin Guidelines by the Liff Insurance Co.

"Wolf in the Fold" by Robert Bloch