JOKES
copyright 1994-2008 by Hierogamous Enterprises
serialized in My People newspaper.
Below is a sampling of the colorized version of the "Edge to Edge" strips and 157 transcriptions.
When are the yellow pages not yellow?
When they're read.
Why was the stamp soggy?
Postage dew.
Why is B hot?
It makes oil boil.
Why is A like a blossom?
A bee comes after both.
What is the most important thing to know to teach a lion to do tricks?
More tricks than the lion.
What was the president's name fifty years ago?
The same as it is now, George W. Bush.
Why did the scout reject Cinderella?
She ran from the ball.
Why is a cyberkiss like a straw hat?
It's not felt.
What did the vegetarian Christians say at the Thanksgiving dinner?
We leave the bird, but believe the Word.
Why did the worm cross the road?
The early bird was after it!
Why didn't the early bird?
It was chicken.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Ella. Sam and Ella who?
Salmmonella poisoning!
What do you call a saint with bare feet, thin limbs, visions and bad breath?
Super-calloused, fragile mystic who has halitosis.
When is an elevator not an elevator?
When it's going down.
Why'd the dog chase the newspaper truck?
It wanted to keep up with the Times.
What's worse than it raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Heaven.
Heaven who?
Heaven you recognized me yet? It's Freddy.
Freddy who?
Freddy or not here I come.
If two is company and three is a crowd, do you know how much are four and five?
Nein.
Nine.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Eve and Herman.
Eve and Herman who?
Eve and her man, Adam.
What is the commonest use for cowhide?
Covering up cows.
When they're green or brown,
they cause me to frown,
but when they're yellow for a while
they make me smile.
What are they?
Bananas.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan idea. Goliath.
Goliath who?
Goliath down you looketh tired.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Arthur.
Arthur who?
Arthuritis.
Tutu was a racehorse and Won-one was one too.
When Tutu raced with Won-one how did the duo do?
Tutu tied with Won-one, since their races numbered two,
And though Won-one won one Tutu won one too.
F. R. O. G. & D. O. G.
Fully Relying On God
and
Depending On God.
What has many legs, many wings and fingers?
Any chicken franchise.
Why was the fool disappointed in his library book?
He discovered How to Hug was volume of an encyclopedia.
Why is an eye like Jesus being scourged?
Both are under the lash.
Why is the grape religiously significant?
It come from divine.
Did God make you, Grandpa?
Yes, God made me.
He made me too?
Yes, He did.
He's getting better at it, isn't He?
If one child had 6 and 2/3 piles of sand,
and another had 3 and 1/3,
and you put them all together,
how many would you have?
One.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone in there know me?!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Li'l Old Lady.
Li'l Old Lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel!
Why is Easter like the letter T.
Because they both come at the end of Lent.
I know what a proverb is, but what is a perverb?
It's the mixing of two old saws to make a new one,
like "If you can't stand the heat, get out of ...
the devil's workshop."
or "You can't make an omelet ...
out of a sows ear."
Half the lies he's telling about me are untrue!
What about the other half?
Those are things that I did that never happened.
Why is the letter A like 12 o'clock noon?
They're both in the middle of day.
What would you call it when you forget what you studied just when you have to take the test?
Examnesia.
What would you call people who are like sheep without a shepherd?
Sheeple.
What did you name your new hatchling?
Chick Ken.
Why did the fool dance with the catsup bottle?
Because it said "Twist to open."
Why'd he put the alarm clock under his desk?
He wanted to get paid for working over time.
How many bricks does it take to finish a brick house?
Just one, the last one.
Why'd the cowboy search for the herd in the forest?
Because the trees rustled.
How would you unlock a kentuc?
With a kentuc key.
How did Connec cut a furrow?
With an Ida hoe.
What did Tennes see?
The same as Arkan saw, Ill anoy Mich again.
Whatcha eatin'?
Nafish nafish.
What?!
Two nafish.
Gnibbur, gnibbur, gnibbur.
Stop that! You're rubbing the cat the wrong way!
THE BELT
DON'T HIT Don't hit below the belt.
DON'T
DO IT Don't overdo it.
STANDING
DO BE Do be understanding.
My hair is falling out! What can I do to keep it in?
Get yourself a bag.
Grandpa, were you on the ark with Noah?
No, I wasn't.
Then why weren't you drowned?
Why is doing absolutely nothing so exhausting?
You can't stop to rest.
Why was the chess player happy?
He could take a knight off.
What happened to the judge who got the farm boundary dispute?
He got a my-grain headache.
What kind of clothes never gets worn out?
Underwear.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
Hang around for a while, while I go on a head.
The alphabet has 26 letters in it, but if you took one away how many would you have?
23. Because "one" is a three-letter word.
Still 26! Because one is a number, not a letter.
Why'd the farmer put a cowbell on his cow?
Because he couldn't have used the church bell.
Because its horns didn't work.
Why do crocodiles eat raw meat?
Because they're lousy cooks.
Your flower garden reminds me of your beautiful face.
Why's that?
Because they both have tulips.
What do you call chivalrous insects?
Gnats of the Round Table.
What do you call an an unemployed jester?
Nobody's fool.
I thought you said you were going to pray, so why can't I hear you?
I'm not praying to you!
What's white, fluffy and lives in trees?
A meringue-utan.
What's red, hairless and has long fangs.
A saber-toothed apple.
What has 500 legs and can't walk an inch?
A half a millipede.
What makes a lot of noise and lives in the Himalayas?
A yakety yak.
What can go up and down all day long and never move a single step?
A stairs.
Where can you find treeless forests and dry oceans?
On a map.
What has one eye, but can't see and no legs but can move like the wind?
A hurricane.
What has 50 heads and no legs?
A roll of pennies.
How can you stop a wild rhino from charging?
Cancel its credit card.
How can you make a slow horse fast?
Cut down on its feed.
What's the difference between a gossip and a comedian?
One spreads rumor and the other humor.
... and a mirror?
One speaks without reflecting
and the other reflects without speaking.
What kind of room is always doorless and windowless?
A mushroom.
What illness can't you talk about until you're over it?
Laryngitis.
C, D, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, O, P, Q, R, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.
Where are A, B, E, N, S and T?
A, B, E, N, S and T are "ABSENT"
What's the difference between a dressmaker and a baseball pitcher?
One seeks wins, the sequins.
... and a nurse?
One cuts dresses, the other dresses cuts.
What kind of tea do kings and queens drink?
Royal tea.
How does the king get into his throne room?
With his monarch key.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a shaggy dog?
A croaker spaniel.
... and a cuckoo and a rooster?
A cuckoo-doodle-doo!
What would you call a raisin's mother's mother?
A grape grandmother.
What'd you call 41 dozen and 9 Native Americans with no apples?
An Indian appleless 500.
Why did the ram walk over the cliff?
He didn't see the ewe turn.
Why didn't the frog leap for joy?
He was too unhoppy.
What's the difference between a good judge and an icemaker?
One dispenses justice, the other just ice.
Between a lion with a toothache and a storm cloud?
One roars with pain, the other pours with rain.
Why did the otter cross the road?
To get to the otter side.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the banana go out with the prune?
He couldn't get a date.
Why did the house need a doctor?
It had window pains.
What's the difference between the sun and a loaf of bread?
One rises from the east, the other from the yeast.
Between someone walking upstairs and someone just watching them?
One is stepping up the stairs, the other staring up the steps.
What's the difference between a groundskeeper and a launderer?
One keeps the lawn wet, the other the laundry.
... a hen and a rooster?
When the hen eats chickenfeed, she is eating, when the other is, he is.
What's the difference between the shore and the letter B?
One's before the sea, the other before the C.
... a hill and a pill?
One can be hard to get up, the other to get down.
Why is it difficult to recognize a horse from the rear?
Because they're always switching their tails.
Why'd the farmer get rid of his milk cow?
She was an udder failure.
Why were the belt and the suspenders arrested?
For holding up pants.
Why would anyone want holes in your socks?
To put your feet in them.
Why don't you ever find counterfeit pennies?
That'd be non-cents.
Why should a golfer carry an extra pair of pants?
In case he gets a hole in one.
Guess how many fish I caught, Andrew!
Half.
What do you mean "half"?!
Half of what you were about to have claimed to have caught, Peter.
APPLES $1 FOR ONE, OR TWO FOR $1.50.
I'll take the 50-cent one.
Define "rotisserie".
A Ferris wheel for dead chickens.
..."Impeccable."
What a chicken can't peck.
Did you advertise your ranch on the Internet?
No, I reckon, a Yankee dude'll do.
What makes the Tower of Pisa lean?
It doesn't eat anything.
I'll give you five minutes to take back what you said!
And what if I don't want to?
Well, then I'll give you longer.
Laurie! Don't you look happy!
That's 'cause I'm coming from church.
Everyone sang to me there:
"Laurie, Laurie, Hallelujah!"
Which are the three main races of mankind?
Hurdles, sprints and long distance.
Name six animals from the Arctic.
Bear No. One, Bear No. Two, Bear No. Three, ...
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke and see.
What is the difference between a fisherman and a sinner?
One baits the hook and the other hates the Book.
I used to think that I was indecisive.
You used to?
Yes, now I'm not so sure.
It's not difficult to meet expenses.
It isn't?
Of course not. They're everywhere.
You need to join the compulsive talkers self-help group,
On-and-on Anon.
I'm beginning to understand how the lottery helps education.
Every time I buy a losing ticket I get a little smarter.
What'd happen if cut-up onions floated down river?
They'd make the bridge on the river cry.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dexter.
Dexter who?
Dexter halls with boughs of holly. Falalalala lalalala.
...8, 9, 10.
What comes after two?
Jack.
...3, 2, 1.
What comes after one?
Liftoff!
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Oscar and Greta.
Oscar and Greta who?
Oscar foolish question and Greta foolish answer.
Your cat can tap out the correct answer to math problems every time!
Sure can. 1 -1 = 0, 2 - 2 = 0, 3 - 3 = 0, ...
Everything is relative! Nothing is absolute!
Are you absolutely sure?
What two contradictory things did Noah have to do to build the ark?
He had to chop up the trees that he had chopped down.
Why didn't the elephant cross the road?
Because he didn't want to be mistaken for a chicken.
Why did the fox?
To get to the chicken.
How do we know that the Bible probably wasn't written on an empty stomach?
Because dry parchment would have worked much better.
What's the difference between a shepherd and bloodhounds?
The shepherd knows his ewes and the bloodhounds use their nose.
What's the difference between a good driver and a bad one?
W!
One's reckless and the other's wreckless.
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, if the bulb truly wants to change.
How many computer programmers?
None, that's a hardware problem.
Where's the only place you can always find happiness before heaven?
In the dictionary.
Did the grape scream when squeezed in the press?
No, he didn't. He only gave out a little wine.
What did the rich young man answer when his dentist asked if he wanted a local anesthetic?
He said, "No, give me the imported."
What kind of water can't be frozen?
Boiling.
What would you expect it to get hotter in the stadium after a game?
Because the fans're gone.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
Amos, the prophet?
No, Amos Keeto.
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, ...
All you ever talk about yourself!
Me?!
What do you want to be when you grow up?
An adult? And you?
His child.
Which cookie will you choose, the whole one or the broken one?
The whole one!
Would Jesus have done that?!
No, He would have made the broken one whole.
What's the difference between a hardened sinner and soap that floats?
One sins without thinking and the other thins without sinking.
A Scripture helped you to sort my dried clothes from yours?!
Yes, you know the one: "... in the whirled, but not a fit."
How many sheep does it take to make a sweater?
Sheep don't make sweaters. Sheep make wool!
It's in Matthew. It's in John. It's not in Luke or Mark.
What is?!
H is.
I can't understand why I didn't get an answer to that letter I sent to St. Louis yet!
Silly! Isn't it obvious? St. Louis has been dead over five hundred years!
Which is the great miracle,
God answering our prayers
or our answering His?
What time was it when the elephant sat in Noah's chair?
Time to get a new chair.
Does you church have enough money to do all it needs to do?
Sure does! It's just not all getting into the collection basket.
Does time have weight? Does time have mass?
Time does have wait,
but Mass is timeless.
Which rooster could wake up everyone in the whole would?
The one on the Ark.
Adam to God: "She made me!"
Eve to God: "He made me!"
Us to God: "Remake me!"
Define polygon.
Polygon: an expression used when your parrot has flown the coop.
Name a famous rock group in which four are dead and one was murdered.
The Beatles? No! The Turkees? Not them either.
Mount Rushmore.
Knock! Knock! Who's there?
Matt.
Matt Who?
Welcome Matt.
Gosh! You're an atheist!
Yes, I am!
To heck you are!
A skeleton walked into the bar and ordered a gin and mop.
A gin and what? Mop.
Why was Noah such a successful businessman?
He floated his stock when everyone else was in liquidation.
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Duane.
Duane Who?
Duane the pool! I'm dwounding out here!
A day without the Son is night without Light.
The early bird may catch the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Change is inevidable, except with vending machines.
.